What Was True

Driving, around in your car,

We’d speak about us,

But never get far.

Laying, together in your bed,

I’d ask if you cared.

Not knowing where that led.

Standing, in front of you,

Couldn’t meet your gaze.

Couldn’t tell what was true.

Now, we don’t drive in your car.

We don’t lay in your bed.

I am not in front of you.

I know what is true.


The closest I can get
To describing my time with you
Is this
Do you know
When you’re at the very end
Of a movie and
You have an overwhelming feeling
Of melancholy and and almost regret
Without any understanding
Without any
Or when you look outside
And see trees in the dark for
Miles
Or when you can’t get past
Anything
That
That is what it feels like

posted 1 year ago

i have hit the wall again,

into entropy, i’ve fallen in

come after me

help

dream of you and only you

that’s all i want


Do you ever listen to a song so many times that it becomes a part of you? It literally lingers in your mind everyday, makes up the words in your mouth, runs through your veins? You hear it when you sleep, when you think, when you simply are? It seeps into your very skin. 


So I’m sitting talking to my uncle about our completely fucked up lives and I realize…our lives are never, ever going to have any sense of normalcy to them. I don’t think anyone’s life does, really. I think that’s just how it is for most of us. I guess life would be pretty boring if it were normal, right? You know, life…I don’t think it turns out anywhere remotely close to what you thought it would. I don’t think anyone leaves life unscathed, without damage. Damage is such a huge part of life, but a good part as well. For from damage comes healing. Healing. That is a word that gives me hope. It breathes life into me. And I know, I know that from all my pain and suffering there has to come joy. Damage can linger for awhile, but it can’t last forever. Hope, and love, and joy will prevail.


it was the loneliest night i ever knew,

and i was lonely for you

do you ever feel like you don’t exist,

or do you ever want to

i put my head against my fist,

and i hope what you say is true

how did i get here,

how do i get from here

i never know

posted 1 year ago

Your touches are sacred
Your whispers are what I need
I feel alive near you
I feel loved near you
I feel home near you

posted 1 year ago

It hits you
Like the rain when it crashes on the pavement
It’s soft but it stings, deep
I miss you
While you’re in the next room
But not really
Just the idea of who you were
Everything I’ve touched breaks
Don’t let me touch you
I couldn’t if I tried
I don’t think you’d want it either way
And that’s what kills me


I honestly think there is a reason for people coming in and out of someone’s life. Life is constantly changing and so, we need different people for different things. People move on, that’s just the way it’s supposed to go. Now matter how much it hurts to watch someone leave, you will always feel that lasting imprint that they left on you and your life. It never fades away, even when the memories of the person might.


in the darkness,

we’ve slowly decayed,

you’ll never find it,

that what you had made.

falling deeper into entropy,

the sun is glistening, 

burning into the back of my eyelids.


Nothing More

It’s 4:37 in the morning. I lay in my bed, in my room, awake. But not really. I’m slowly slipping into unconsciousness. My eyes, they are so heavy. I fight to keep them open. I’m always fighting. Once they close, I know I can’t escape you. You are always there. Looming in the deep, dark caverns of my subconscious. Seemingly waiting to pounce on my every vulnerable thought and feel. But you, you are not real. You are a mere figment of what once was.

It’s 4:37 in the morning. I have left my room. 

     I’m walking down the hallway. It’s dark, little light coming from the conjoining room. I’d forgotten you were still there. Tried to forget, but if you were ever in the same place as I, you would always be the only thing on my mind. My pulse would never stop racing if you were even the least bit near. You are coming down the hallway as well. And you stop, right in front of me. You speak my name, and it sounds like a prayer falling off of your lips, but only to my ears. You probably speak it as you would any other word, but that is alright. You offer me to join in your company as you head outside. You need someone to talk to, but don’t want to wake the others. And I am always there. Always. You talk about the one you love and it literally feels as though my bones are breaking at your every syllable about her. My heart constricts and yet my mouth says nothing that it wants to. I tell you to fix things with her, persuade you to stay with her even if for only a little longer and for the life of me I don’t know why. I do, though, really. I’m friends to the both of you and I want you both happy and I guess the only way to ensure even the slightest bit of it is to keep you together. Even though we all know it’s high time for you to part ways, I can never bring myself to suggest it. You look at me, the way you always do and you thank me, the way you always do and I wish I could just tell you how much I am irrevocably in love with you. Because there was once a time that I could see a brief flash of love for me in your eyes. Your piercing amber eyes. Sometimes, I can still see it, but I suppose I have stopped looking for it lately for it is too painful. You pull me into a hug and you let it linger longer than it should, as you always do. We’re just friends, just friends, just friends. Nothing more. We finally break apart. I look up at the stars. It’s a clear, crisp night and I feel more than alive simply sitting next to you. You look up too, and then to me, and you say something I had been waiting for you to say longer than I could ever remember. You say that you are so grateful to have me. And to have me as what, I’m not clear. I don’t think I want to know, really. And I don’t think you want to tell. But there’s an understanding that passes between us and I think, for a brief moment that what a fucked up world it is we live in when we can’t even express our true feelings for one another. But it’s that understanding that I hold onto, even to this day. It lingers in the back of my mind. Even though I know you are no longer, I still believe one day that the understanding will blossom into something more. Maybe another time, or place, or even universe. And maybe not.


Suddenly you look 

And you’re incredibly aware of what’s around you

And then you realize

This is all you’ll ever be

This is all you’ll eve see

You plus I never equaled happiness

Never

I literally have no idea which way

is which

And I don’t think I ever will



honestly i’m such a fucking loser that the piece of confetti that represented me at the olympics probably fell straight into a trash can


was anything i ever said

worth anything at all

'cause i've got my breath held

and i’m waiting to fall

so what do i mean to the likes of you

in these dark days and this flimsy way

why aren’t you being true, true

and why isn’t it i never believe what you say

posted 1 year ago